Alan Cross: How do we solve a problem like Mariah? – National

Mariah Carey is everywhere this time of year. You can’t leave home without being exposed to her super-healed 1994 Christmas hit, All i want for christmas is you. You cannot escape it. My God, she even tells people on the London Underground that all she wants for Christmas is for them to get away from the yellow line.

And if you feel like the walls are closing, you can’t imagine it because Mariah Creep (something almost as insidious as being able to get a Pumpkin Spice Latte before Labor Day) was evident over the course of the last decade. With radio stations moving earlier and earlier to a Christmas music format – this year’s first station was an Ohio station that started out with 24/7 holiday music. October 1 – the song appears in our ears even before Canadian Thanksgiving. .

Read more:

Radio host Alan Cross on the inspiration behind his children’s book, “The Science of Song”

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According to MRC Data, the company that tracks radio waves in Canada and the United States, reports that AIWfCiY has been played 5,700 times so far this year in Canada and over 73,000 times since the company started following songs in 1995. In America it has had 30,000 turns in 2021 and 570,000 lives.

And that doesn’t count all the covers of Ariana Grande, CeeLo Green, My Chemical Romance (yes, there’s an emo version), Mumford & Sons, and dozens more.

It is estimated that this song made no less than $ 60 million between 1994 and 2016. And over the past five years, the song has grown into a monster on platforms like Spotify, streaming millions of times. A quick extrapolation indicates that AIWfCiY will air 71 million times in 2021 – and that only in the United States.

There is more data. Digital Music News did some quick math for this year.

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  • 71 million streams per year x $ 0.01 (the average payment for streaming) = US $ 710,000
  • 5.7 million Christmas album sales x $ 11.99 = $ 68 million / 27 years since original release = $ 2.5 million per year
  • 2021 Apple TV + special = US $ 8 million
  • McDonald’s 2021 menu offer = US $ 5 million

Add that up and you have US $ 16,210,000. Wow. It’s just for 2021. And it’s right for America. Canada, the United Kingdom and a dozen other countries are also under the spell of this song. No wonder the cases of diabetes are on the rise. You just can’t have that much sweet stuff and survive. Woe to him who hears a mixture of AIWfCiY followed by that of Paul McCartney Wonderful christmas. You would be able to make candy canes from your blood sugar.

Therefore, as a public service, I am offering some holiday songs to play the role of Naloxone and Narcan for AIWfCiY overdoses. There is so much, so much more at this time of year than Mariah Carey – although, as you will see, she is extremely difficult to avoid.

1. Hawksley Worker, Indie rock christmas

If you’ve ever dreamed of finding a new guitar under the tree, Hawksley gets it. Put out the bells, the bell rhythm track and the references to Santa Claus, that would be a great song anytime of the year.

2. Newly found glory, Vacation files

The Florida power-pop group released an entire album of festive songs. Try to ignore the reference to Mariah Carey in the chorus.

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3. War Pigs meets Terrace the rooms

Here’s something you probably won’t hear at church in December. Again, who doesn’t love a little Black Sabbath with their Christmas cheer?

4. The police, Don’t stay so close to me (Christmas Edition)

Okay, so it wasn’t written as a Christmas song. But while the police were working in Quebec on the Zenyatta Mondatta album in 1980 (remember the old Le Studio complex?) The video was lost in the archives for 41 years before being unearthed just a few weeks ago.

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5. Robert Fripp and Toyah Willcox, 12 days of Christmas

For over a year now, King Crimson guitarist Robert Fripp and his wife Toyah Willcox (who has her own singing career) have been performing in their kitchen every Sunday. Latest editions of their Sunday Lunch concerts have included Christmas carols like this.

6. Pocket gods, Quantum christmas

The Pocket Gods are an eccentric British indie group specializing in writing and recording songs over 30 seconds long. Their thinking is that if Spotify only pays after a song is 30 seconds long, why bother writing something more? They put that aside for this 100 hour song. YouTube has all the sections if you want to get the full effect. There are over 30 of them. Fill your boots.

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7. Eight hours of Christmas music in vintage department stores

Back in high school and college, I worked in a grocery store where Christmas music was the same 15 song, 8 track cassette played over and over and over and over. To this day, Burl Ives’ Holly Jolly Christmas brings down the red mist before my eyes and I wake up later not knowing what horrors I had committed. I would have liked to have had something like this at the time.

8. Until I wake up All i want for christmas is you

This Buffalo group obviously felt that if you can’t beat Mariah, join her. At least it’s moving.

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My chemical romance, all I want for Christmas is you

When you listen carefully to the words of AIWfCiY, it’s a sad song full of nostalgia. And isn’t that the very definition of emo? It starts out slowly, but wait. Wait wait ..

Mariah Carey’s Christmas special

Is this the best Christmas song of the year? I vote yes.

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